"And grace will lead me home"

“Through many dangers, toils and snares, I have already come
“’Twas grace that brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home.”


When John Newton penned this familiar third verse to Amazing Grace, he had abandoned the family business of slave trade and could not have envisioned modern-day toll booths lined up lined up with horns honking and nasty gas emissions.

When I was a little girl and heard these words sung in church, I knew them by heart and could sing with the congregation. I warbled: “Through many dangerous tolls and snares…” My parents had no idea that later on vacation, in the back of the station wagon, I shook with fear as we drove on the Florida Turnpike waiting through the dangerous tolls and snares. It did not help when my frustrated father would in no uncertain terms implore the toll keeper five or six cars ahead to move the line more efficiently. I feared for what could lurk in those “dangerous tolls” and snares, and miraculously we always made it through safely. Amazing grace.

Yesterday, as we finished a yoga class by lying quietly on our backs, our instructor played a beautiful solo rendition of Amazing Grace. I listened and breathed deeply, enjoying the luster of the music and the moment until it was time to move into a seated position and she cut the music. I thought of the “dangerous tolls” I have been through in the last year and smiled in spite of myself and the gravity of the past year.

Yes, we surely have had our share of toils and snares. The wake of losing our beloved adult child is akin to taking one’s worst night mare and making it scary – then adding quicksand, muck, poison and fire. I have told people I know the wallpaper patterns on the inner chambers of hell, as I have stared at them recovering from this tragedy.

But through the pain, toils and snares, I know that grace brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home. If I were to survive the trauma of losing Nick on my own and without God’s help, survival would not be an option; I would have sunk in the quicksand months ago. An unmistakable presence stays with me and my family and has brought us closer together than ever. There have been times in this process when peace will wash over us at the most trying and difficult of times, and a peace that we could not have drawn on our own.

I don’t know the official dictionary definition of grace, but the one I learned over the years is that grace is a favor that one does not earn. I do know that the grace that has led me safe thus far is one that I did not earn. In our grief, we have often just sat back and passively suffered. God knows we often do not have the energy or strength to work through to a peaceful place on our own, and swoops in to offer inner comfort.

When I shuddered at those “dangerous tolls” as a kid, I am so glad I could not have known the true heartbreak that would be to come much later in life. But, here we are on the other side and faring well despite the snares. I treasure the Amazing Grace that will surely bring me home.