“Smile though your heart is breaking.” I remember these lyrics from an old song and it reminds me of how we get through the day when our minds wander elsewhere.
Today, I engaged in my favorite kind of visit – porch conversation with a friend. Funny, but when rocking chairs, a front porch, and sunshine are involved, ideas cascade like a waterfall, and create a mist of wisdom. I basked in that mist for some time after my friend strolled down the stairs and into the woods toward her house.
We talked about the times when it necessary to show strength by putting on that brave face, and when strength dictates giving way to vulnerability. Putting on a brave face may seem insincere, or like a wearing mask, but really, that type of performance mode one enacts when situations arise demonstrates a genuine force of strength to power through heart pain. Vulnerability, we decided on the porch today, is a sign of strength and the ability to give in to vulnerability when the time is right, and stoicism when need be indicates the many facets of resiliency in a person dealing with difficulty.
Sometimes, when I feel at my lowest, putting on that brave face and keeping up conversations while my insides bleed out, cheers me up and gives me a little mind vacation from the angst of grief. This is not a phoney baloney posturing, but a coping strategy necessary to get by in our world. When I am low and cannot manage pleasantries, people around me feel uncomfortable and ill-at-ease. When I smile and show genuine interest in what they have to say, people feel relaxed, thus, I am able to maintain calm.
If I am not able to pull out of the doldrums, and sometimes I am not – people around me are uneasy. This is a simple fact of human nature. Now, this brave face effort comes with great practice. Five months ago, I did not have the strength to smile, nod and engage in conversation; muck, smoke, sticks and stones filled my head – smoking embers still burned away in my gut, and I could not manage normalcy.
The embers still burn, and goodness knows, the innards of my mind could use a blow out, but I have been able to rise from the ashes enough to pick up the pieces of normalcy and wear the brave face when necessary. That brings me to another face of strength, and that is vulnerability. In order to heal and gain the strength to maintain a sense of normalcy in society, I have to allow myself weakness when the time is right.
After a social occasion, no matter how casual, I still feel completely washed from energy and if tears stopped up the shower drain, my house would flood. I need the release of emotion to cleanse myself from the inside and allow space to renew my strength.
I think back to a baby shower in December. This occasion was only six weeks after our tragedy and I looked forward to reuniting a dear friend. I did not know anyone else at the party except the hostess, so I sat in a chair and participated in small talk – which has always been one of my strong suits. At some point in the conversation, I panicked and had to abruptly leave.
Part of the grief process is learning our limitations and respecting them. I was, at that time, not ready for a crowded room in a social occasion where attendees did not know my situation, and the waves of grief crashed to shore. I had to remove myself and cry the entire trip home. Now, with time and plenty of practice under my belt, I have the skills to recognize when I can and cannot wear the brave face necessary to handle public situations in a comfortable manner.
Resiliency takes on many faces in the face of painful times. One key to resiliency is to respect our inner wisdom and seek ways to know the right times to wear a brave face, cry in the shower, or just leave a party. The journey is ours to endure, gain confidence, and discover.
And, now with some daylight left, you can find me rocking on the porch.
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