Finding growth in acceptance

Traumatic events change people, and forever alter their lives. Outlook has everything to do with how people come out on the other side.

Today, I read my umpteenth (and that is an official number) book on survival. This was one of those days that I read almost the whole book in one day – not because I was having a necessarily difficult day, but the author really spoke to me about surviving one of life’s most terrible blows and coming out stronger and better.

Acceptance and “moving on” are two concepts that I have avoided at all costs and stayed away from even the thought. How could one ever accept the tragic loss of a child in the prime of his life? I have felt that moving forward would be a way of leaving my son behind – and this is something I am not willing to do. In Surviving the Loss of a Child, author Elizabeth Brown advises that people who move more rapidly through the grief process find a sense of acceptance in the new order of life.

She states to do this one must accept the reality of the child’s death and stop wishing for what used to be. As I turned the pages, I came to my own realization that I now have a distinctively different relationship with Nicholas. He is still in our lives, will always have his place as our son and brother, but we relate to him on a spiritual level, rather than a physical one. Roger said it best when he told me that as parents our role was to advise and guide Nick through the trials and triumphs of life. Now, the roles have reversed and he is the one who can see the bigger picture – the one who knows what we do not know. Obviously, we cannot go to him for advice, but we can feel the comfort of his presence looking over us through our walk of life.

I smile when I think of the mysteries of science and the universe that Nick could debate with fire in his belly. Now, he indisputably knows the answers. Pretty cool.

The key to acceptance is not to accept the loss, but rather to accept the grief process, Brown states. A psychologist who lost a child herself fully acknowledges the pain of it all, but because of her own tragedy can spell out from the heart the importance of finding firm ground in the tumultuous storm. She verifies that people who experience trauma weave in and out of the grief phases with doors opening and closing at different times.

I feel in a strong phase at the moment, where I can gain perspective and keep the emotional tsunami in check, but that phase can give way at any given time; I have learned to live with that roller coaster and know that with God’s help, I always find myself back to peace and calm.

In this journey, upon which I know I have just embarked and will continue for many years, if not the rest of my life, I have learned many things about myself and am seeing sparks of personal growth. Life problems are just problems, not catastrophes. There is a difference between a speed bump and a brick wall, and most of life’s problems we encounter are really just speed bumps that slow us down. I am more realistic about having perspective on what is truly important, and I hope I keep that perspective.

I am finding a way to feel happiness through the fog, and in this journey I am realizing that I will find joy on the other side. Relationships, I have decided are the single most important element of life and I hope to handle them very differently as a result of our tragedy. I find myself to be much more forgiving than I used to be. Holding grudges, I have decided is destructive to all parties involved and really accomplishes nothing. I hope I always remember that fact in my relationships.

One day, I am told by reliable sources, we will find blessings through our tragedy, and I already see beauty emerging. This does not minimize the pain of our loss and if I could give away my last nickel to have my boy, I would, but sunshine does come from behind clouds and it is my choice to continue the search for acceptance in this process – but with a heavy heart.